When am I going to grow up?

“Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” 
― Margaret Atwood, Cat's Eye

When I grow up, I want to look like him. 

I had to laugh when I ran across the above quote over at Goodreads Quote of The Day.  While there is no doubt in my mind that I am 62 years old, there often exists an underlying belief that I am not really an adult.  This belief doesn't exactly float on the surface of my consciousness, it seems to reside in a normally closed closet within my mind.  So I don't walk around with the constant idea that I am not really an adult.  For the thought to occur to me, something has to trigger the closet door to open and then the notion floods into my mind but more in the process of a day dream than a conscious thought.

A distinguished handsome woman. 

Frequently this happens at the supermarket.  I will be slobbing up and down the aisles in my sneakers, blue jeans, scruffy shirt, and a ball cap (the same style of clothes that I wore when I was in high school).  I will see a certain type of person, and CLICK, the closet door flies open and out pops a notion of admiration and perhaps envy of this person and I find myself feeling like I am  somewhat of a naive, unknowing, worthless teen.   Again this is not so much of a conscious thought, but rather more of a daydream.  Then the second thought occurs to me, gee that person is 10 to 20 years younger than me!  That is a conscious thought.

Oh I wouldn't mind looking like him either, even if he is a
metrosexual.  Do they like girls?  

So who are these people who can engender this negative fountain of youth within my mind?  They are always well dressed but of a conservative style, well groomed but again conservatively so, obviously educated and intelligent, good posture and carriage, purposeful and not in a hurry, and distinguished looking.  They can be male or female, but if it is a woman, I would tend to describe her more as handsome than beautiful.  They are generally in an age group of 40 to 60 and they often have some gray in their hair.  Usually they look neither old or youthful.  I have pulled up some examples of both genders at the upper and lower end of the age bracket.

Diane Lane looking handsome.

Its an odd thing with search engines, I did a search for images of  distinguished men.  About 1/4 of the photos displayed were scantily clad women.  Most of the men displayed were not very distinguished looking, and most of the photos were of poor quality.  When I searched for distinguished women, half of them were nude, and while you could say many positive things about them usually involving beauty, handsome and distinguished just did not seem to fit.  The ones who were clothed, again, were not all that terribly distinguished or it was a lousy photo.  So out of frustration and a desire not to publish some private citizen's image, I devolved to Hollywood.  There is nothing wrong with being a performing artist, but I wanted to avoid the triteness of celebrity that the image may possess, the built in recognition, and preconceived attitudes that a reader may hold for the person.   So when you look at the photos try to look at them in a generic sense rather than "Oh it's Helen Mirren" and see her in your mind's eye at the Academy Awards.   

It is an odd feeling this being old and immature at the same time.  So what is it about these people that engenders this feeling of a lack a maturity?   I certainly don't feel young.  But this is not a question of young or old.  It is the question of recognizing oneself as an adult.  It is a question of growing intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually through learning and life experience, not simply accruing birthdays.   So what is it about these people?  I for the most part do not envy looks or fine clothes and fashions.  There is a great comfort in being ugly and a slob, it keeps one isolated  from temptation.   So what is it about these people?  


They are capable.  I envy their ability.  What they have in reality doesn't matter, we are not pulling out last year's 1040, or comparing CVs and resumes.  I am only seeing an image that they present to the world, and it is an entirely different image than what I present.  These people exude an atmosphere of capability by presenting themselves as neat, tidy, well dressed and emotionally and intellectually well grounded.  I look like some slob that retired out of a factory...oh yeah, that is exactly what I am.  So other than knowing how to do some factory things, I am principally in the same boat that I was the day I graduated from high school.  Well not really but it seems that way. 

Brequet
5347pt/11/9zu
$423,000.00 

I don't envy the wealthy their wealth.  Certainly I wouldn't mind having say double my income, but I sure as hell don't need 10  or 100 times my income.  I find the trappings of the wealthy often vulgar and usually rather amusing.  The trappings of the extravagantly wealthy are down right bizarre.  I thought a $300,000 Bentley over the top.  How about a $423,000 watch?  No, I do not envy wealth and possessions.  But I do envy ability.  I have such dearth there of!  I excel at nothing, in fact, I really can't think of anything that I am even good at...mediocre to lousy in all fields of endeavor.  


In as much as I believe in reincarnation, (I don't actually believe it, I fear it--I want to be done with this shit...not keep coming back and back), I believe that I may be paying back some well deserved Karma in this life.  Nothing seems to work for me as well as it does for other people.  Other people seem to manage their time, their resources, their wealth, and their abilities much better than I do.  I seem incapable in comparison, something like a kid in high school.



On the other hand, in some of the blogs I follow, I read of bad marriages, horrifically abused childhoods, drug and alcohol abuse, lost jobs, foreclosed mortgages, illness, deaths of spouses or children, abusive marriages, infidelity...an endless spectrum of despair.  Yeah,  I am not too experienced in any of that stuff either--just a child really.   I have lived a sheltered life with a very good woman who has made a respectable human being out of me.  I had a not bad job that paid the bills, kept a shabby roof over our heads, put my son through college, and is now providing a livable pension.  Mediocre, yeah, but respectable so what the hell am I bitching about?


EDIT 3-22-12:  Another guy I would like to look like, and yes I wish she was my daughter.

Anthony Hopkins and Claire Forlani in Meet Joe Black

  








Image Credits


Michael Caine: http://www.askmen.com/celebs/men/entertainment/michael-caine/


George Clooney: http://mytings.net/profiles/blogs/george-clooney-undertakes-more


Diane Lane: http://www.starpulse.com/Actresses/Lane,_Diane/gallery/SGG-057709/


Hellen Mirren:  http://www.poptower.com/helen-mirren.htm

Watch:  http://www.prestigetime.com/item/Breguet/Classique-Grande-Complications-Double-Tourbillon/5347pt~11~9zu.html?utm_source=GBase&utm_medium=fpc&utm_campaign=GBase

Anthony Hopkins & Claire Folani:  http://www.thefancarpet.com/ActorGalleryPicture.aspx?mga_id=4018&a_id=662