Which of the following best describes your gender?

Once again a blogging buddy has provided me a golden opportunity to post by simply copying my reply to one of their posts.  Thank you Fiftyodd!

Here is her post at her excellent blog:

Fiftyodd, Life in the 21st Century - Political Correctness, September 21, 2012

In her post Fiftyodd observes the rather politically correct wording of the inquiry regarding gender on a survey she was filling out.

Which of the following best describes your gender?     _____ M   _____ F

Seems kind of wordy doesn't it?  Usually if you have forgotten, a quick peek in your pants can confirm accurately through piping analysis the answer to this request.  Usually it goes something like this:

Insy =  F    Outsy = M

Pretty straight forward wouldn't you say?  Perhaps visual aids will help.

Example of Female Pipe Threads
Image Credit:http://www.swagelok.com/home.aspx

As you can see in this lovely photo of a standard pipe cap, the threads could only be described as INSY, hence they are female pipe threads.

Example of Male Pipe Threads
Image Credit: http://www.swagelok.com/home.aspx

Now compare the threads above to the image directly to left,  the threads are definitively OUTSY, hence they are male pipe threads.  Now a bit of confusion comes to mind because this particular object is known as a pipe nipple, a terminology that I never quite understood, but let's not lose our way.



I am hoping that all the money I spent buying Swagelok® fittings in my years of engineering will spare me the wrath of their corporate lawyers regarding my heist of their images.  Hey remember guys I could have bought Hoke® or Parker®, but not only was I dedicated to Swagelok®, I was something of an expert knowing many of the part numbers in my head.  I sent a lot of bucks your way, granted not my money, but I had control of it...so I don't want to hear any crap about deleting these images.

By the way when it comes to pipe threads there is a polite terminology for fastening them together.  You can mate the fittings,  couple the fittings,  or engage the threads.  Less sophisticated, you can screw them together.  Pipe threads however will never copulate, engage in coitus, or have intercourse.  Yes technically it would seem to be a very proper and accurate description, and terminologies that would be proper in mixed company at tea in the afternoon, but it is just not done.  Nor have I ever seen the F-word used, except perhaps when the completed joint leaked during hydrostatic testing.   But I stray, forgive me.

The question at hand was:

Which of the following best describes your gender?     _____ M   _____ F

So I hope the piping images above will confer the basic understanding of gender assignments based on visual piping analysis.

It seems very straight forward.  What can be simpler?  But upon further thought, I added this comment to Fiftyodd's post:

The simplicity of the answer boxes certainly does not match the implied complexity of the question. They provided a digital answer to a question asked with an analogue implication. Did they have a write-in section?

Alas without a write-in section or the choice of DRIED UP OLD COOT, I would not be able to answer this question honestly. I imagine that my hormone levels are feminine, age reduces testosterone, and I am no doubt flooded with estrogen.

Fiftyodd then replied back that there was no write-in section in the survey.  She also tried to cheer me up by stating that she thought I sounded masculine.  That is very nice of her, but really?  I know better, after all I am the guy that lives within me.  So upon further reflection on how I could honestly answer this question considering the implications of "best describes", I wrote back:

But Fiftyodd,

"Which of the following best describes your gender?"

The question almost demands a further rich and detailed explanation. If they simply wanted to know a plumbing based answer, could not the question been posed:

Gender? _____M _____F

For instance on my driver's license it states: Sex: M. Technically that is a correct answer and it agrees with every document ever generated about me (well except some graffiti on my locker once in junior high). As an aside I have often been tempted to reply:

Sex? Yes!


But when you ask "Which of the following best describes your gender?" now many factors come to mind.

-- A young marine called me an "Air Force Pussy" at Kadena Air Base in 1973.

-- My wife and son laugh at me because I love the movie "Sleeping in Seattle". They have called me a big wussie.

--I have been called a bleeding heart liberal c--t when defending various aspects of feminism to the boys at work.

--I hate sports and NASCAR!!!!

--The boys at work have described my various interests as c--ty, as in "Grow a set and quit reading that c--ty shit."

--I freely admit that I love my wife and prefer being with her than having a night out with the boys.

--I refused to go to the girly joints on business trips. I was subjected to much derision over that but I noticed nobody else went without me, but I deprived them of the opportunity to go.  I didn't have them shackled.  They could do what they pleased. 

--My wife's uncle wanted to stop in Hooters for a burger. I told him I was not allowed in Hooters. He made fun of me later in front of the entire family. (Ha Ha! Little did he realize I got laid that night because of that refusal...ha! Some times nice guys finish first. There is method to my wussiness.)

--I read Fifty Shades of Grey.

--I am currently reading Vagina by Naomi Wolf. (I suppose the boy's from work comments would literally be true in this case...oh dear I hope Wolf doesn't read this, she will lose 3 nights sleep--someone called a vagina a bad name.)

--As I get older I seem to be getting a little puffy about the breasts.  Breasts!  What the hell?  Well pecs seem to be an awfully strong term for what I have...not man boobs per se, but a little puffy...I tell myself that it is just fat.

--While I don't like opera per se, I would rather have to sit through an opera than a boxing match.

--I have a inner goddess--she is 13 years old and just had her first period. She loves romance.

--If my mother could read my inner goddess's thoughts she would repeat the line she made about a flighty female cousin back when we were teens: "A good 6 inches of hard manhood delivered furiously and often would straighten that girl right out." Oh dear the implications of that to me now are most unpleasant.

--I have a inner cool dude--he is 9 years old and likes spaghetti, pizza, and hamburgers, and fantasizes about what girls look like down there--it has to be really cool.

--If my mother could read my inner cool dude's thoughts she would be very concerned about impending self abuse when I reached puberty. 

--My good friend Alicia kicked my ass in the comments on my blog for my lamenting violence and excessive competition in women's sports.

--Estrogen!  I worry about it, both environmental and ingested.

Do you see what I mean? Yes, I identify myself as a man to the world, but when you start digging deeper can a simple male or female answer adequately answer the question...

"Which of the following best describes your gender?"

Oh by the way, I really love women's underwear, black stockings and red high heel shoes...







with my wife properly contained there-in. Oh my!

You can read about how I got my ass kicked by three women one time when I was feeling my oats:

http://navfin.blogspot.com/2010/11/testosterone.html